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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been seeing a very loving, kind, and caring guy for four years. He would honestly do anything for me, anytime, anywhere. The problem is that he has so much more time on his hands than I do. He would spend every free minute he has with me if I would allow it. We've fought about this quite often over the last two years, and it hasn't really changed. The other thing he does that drives me crazy is ... everything I do. If I pick up a book, he'll pick up a book. If I watch a TV program, he'll watch the same show. If I buy something new for myself, he'll buy something very similar. I have decided several times to end the relationship because I don't feel like it's good for me -- meaning it seems to corrode my self esteem. But, he has many qualities that I admire and enjoy; he's dependable, loyal, professional, religious, etc. Please tell me what you think!

-- Bewildered

Dear Bewildered,

Doing and enjoying the same things is adorable, if not desirable. And few things are yummier than the validation we get when we say to someone "Oh my God you have to read this book" ... and they do. However, I can see why living with a mime -- who's doing, like, the "mirror" thing all day -- could get annoying. More than annoying, See, while part of the fun and draw of a relationship is the chance to learn from and from and take on each other's interests, the other part is the chance to step back and watch your partner shine in his / her own. To say, "Oh, I just love how she loves all that technical gobbledygook I would never understand." To say, "Hate croquet, but I adore missing him so when he goes off to play!" You can -- should -- be joined at the hip and facing out in different directions. It's your different urges and inclinations and interests that make you a larger -- and always growing -- whole. Which is why, well, I don't know about your "self-esteem," but I do think you're way bored. And a little suffocated. Can't tell you exactly how to get him to scootch over and "find a hobby," but if you can't carve out space in the relationship for you to breathe -- not to mention grow -- you have my permission to look outside it. Do handle with care, of course -- especially because he's probably reading this advice column.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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