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Dear Breakup Girl,

I was just wondering if you have noticed any sort of trend toward May-December romances where the woman is the older party. Admittedly, I am not that old (mid-thirties). However, I have recently found myself completely bored by men in my own age group. I have also discovered that several of my gal pals are in similar older woman/younger man relationships. We find that members of our own age group are burning to settle down into some sort of old-fashioned domestic bliss complete with children and picket fences ... yesterday. To we thirtysomething women who are concerned with maintaining our identities and financial independence (and have already learned that being with no one is preferable to being with the wrong person out of need), this vision of supposed tranquility sounds like a description of life in one of Dante's circles of hell.

My last three relationships have been with men at least ten years my junior. They were actually a lot less desperate and more interested in compromise than the men my age (who seem to be awfully set in their ways). Breakups have led to friendships in all cases. Somehow, the older men seem to take it more personally if they are rejected during that "So I finally decided to get serious with someone" part of their lives. It isn't that my friends and I are opposed to serious relationships; we are just opposed to sharing our lives/money/time with desperate men whose need to produce progeny and prove self-worth through marriage is driving them. Are my friends and I a little strange? Any particular advice you would like to hand out to people in similar older woman/younger men situations?

--Older Woman In Demand

Dear Older Woman in Demand,

As far as "trends" go, who's to say? Sure, all the grownups around here listen to the Backstreet Boys. But as far as what and whom men want when, you've got your Michael Douglas, but you've also got your Macaulay Culkin. (Wish I could say I had my Seth Green.)

But lordy, are there ever men out there who'd like to meet you and your friends, and women out there who'd like to meet your rejects. Anyone want to plan some sort of mixer!? (You yourself might also want to meet George Gurley.*)

But anyway, OWD, um: and the problem is...? If you prefer to date younger men, date younger men. But handle/choose with care; don't just date by numbers. Not every younger guy has thicker skin; not every older guy is a poster boy for the patriarchy. And not every marriage is an identity/independence vacuum. "Set in their ways?" So are you, you know. Fine. Just don't let that get in your way.

Love,
Breakup Girl

* Later readers: link may change when article archived; search here for, oh, "quinquagenarian.") (Maybe here first.)

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