Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating the same guy for a long time. We have an exclusive relationship and have been in love since even before we started going out. We’ve always talked about getting married and we’re beginning to plan in more detail.

Now I always envisioned getting married in this huge church with all my family and all of his family there under the eyes of God and a priest and about 29 bridesmaids and the whole lot. I don’t want to be married in some banquet hall somewhere or some ugly little non denominational chapel by a Justice of Peace (or whatever the hell the alternative is.) I’m Catholic, practicing (even though my parents don’t) since high school, I do community service and the whole nine yards. I believe strongly in God and I even believe that one of my prayers is what brought me and Bill together in the first place. Most of my prayers have been answered….and I’m a happy camper. I don’t go to church EVERY week, or even as often as I used to and don’t get me wrong–I’m no religious fanatic. I just think it’d be nice to be married in a Church. (considering that I never went that often I guess I appreciate it more.)

Which comes to Bill. I always knew he wasn’t practicing ANYTHING even when I met him in high school. That never bothered me one bit (since a lot of really devout religious people in my school were driving me insane at the time…..repent your sins or else you’ll be sent to hell! God doesn’t care if you’re young he doesn’t make exceptions! You have to go to Church twice a day every day or else you’ll be shining Satan’s shoes!) (That’s not really that much of an exaggeration!) Anyway, we fell in love and everything has been wonderful ever since…but I mentioned I wanted to get married in Church, he thinks it’s impossible, and I think he’s right. And it’s breaking my heart.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

In an little less than six months, I will be thirty. I have an exciting career, many hobbies, friends and lots of other really cool, ultimate total stuff. I am happier with my life and my self than I ever have been in my entire life. (You can hum “I am Woman” for this letter if you want!! )

(I hope Breakup Mom is proud.)

I do not have a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband. My problem, BG?: I really couldn’t care less. No really, I mean it.

Assorted members of my family are doing that “Your’e getting up there…” routine. Friends are trying to push me out the door with their brothers, the mailman and (I think) the local Blockbuster manager. They are saying man-trap things like “Your standards are too high” — You don’t want to be alone, do you?” — and my personal favorite: “Aren’t you concerned with starting a family?” I’ve also got a couple of friends who are totally freaking out and would marry just about anyone — they make me really really want to yack.

I am planning a solo trip to the City of Lights (Paris) for my birthday & have lots of things to look forward to. In my professional life, I am far too busy to really deal with a boyfriend for now (or the god-awful hunt for one). I’d rather go antiquing, take a yoga class, get a massage or read another travel book in my personal search for the ultimate baguette. My attitude is: if I find him while doing something I like to do — then I have a better chance of meeting someone with common interests than I do of meeting someone at a Saturday night singles dance thing, complete with the Electric Slide and Jello shots.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, this is kinda (well actually is) rather lengthy and complicated, but here goes. Currently I’m a SWM 20, sophomore in college. At the beginning of the summer semester two new girls, twins, although not identical, moved into the dorms. We met one Sunday morning at church and I was informed that they were going to the same college as me and we ought to get to know each other. All fine and well. Now the fun begins. As the only available college boy in the church at the time it was assumed immediately and automatically that one of the twins and I were going to end up hooking up. Rumors flew about who liked who and the like and it all became a lovely little mess. Extremely short: I liked one and the other liked me. I now know.

So one night, a friend and I stop by the dorms to see them the twin I liked (further referred to as t1) and we had a deep conversation about her life and mine and past relationships and that genre of discussion. It was a bit emotional, at least from my standpoint. So we made arrangements for the four of us to go out the next evening to show them around town, so to speak. However, t2 had already laid claim to me (according to the sisterly and womanly laws governing men, I later found out) so t1 agreed to backoff. T2 used this time get to know me and one night voiced her affections for me audibly. –and physically. (Hold on now, not like that, she kissed me. Okay, a lot, but …). She requested that I at least give the relationship a try, and being the want-to-be-a-nice-guy type that I am, I agreed.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 15 and I have been best friends with Kristin since the sixth grade. Last year she moved to the next town, where I have met all her new friends and become very acquainted with them. One boy in particular really catches my eye, Sherman. He had a relationship with a girl named Jessica who also lives in the neighborhood but nothing went on beyond peck kissing. So they broke up cuz Sherman wasn’t “gettin any” and then they suddenly became so intense and began being really touchy-feely. Jessica, being a snot-nosed little tease, tells everyone she wants to sleep with Sherman but won’t even kiss him so she won’t appear to be a slut.

Anyways, so one week I went to Kristin’s house and Sherman and I kept stealing those little “looks” at each other. One lucky evening I was fortunate enough to grab a moment outside on the front porch with Sherman. I told him I thought Jessica was a tease and that he should drop her, to which he replied that he was planning on it. He asked me if I had a boyfriend back home to which I replied no and then we got into this big long convo about what we’re looking for in the opposite sex. SOOO… I was sure something was going to happen out there on the porch but JESSICA opened the door and asked Sherman to come in and watch a movie with her.

The few nights after were the same as the first few, staring, twirling hair, brushing elbows… blah blah blah… then I went home.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

This guy that I was seeing ended up breaking up with me. He told me that he didn’t want a girlfriend right now, but he still wanted to go out sometimes. I just found out today that the real reason he ended our relationship was that he cheated on me. I still like this guy a lot and if he asked me back out I would probably tell him yes. Do you think this is the wisest thing to do?

— Heather

Dear Heather,

Not so much.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

This may sound pathetic, but I haven’t been single a day in my life since I was 15. I’m 26 now. I’ve had several boyfriends, it’s just that they’ve overlapped one another. I didn’t do this purposely (consciously), it just ended up this way. Anyhoo, I think I might be having an identity crisis. I just want to be alone, autonomous, independent, you know what I mean? But I’m in this relationship with this guy, and we’ve been together for about 5 years. I don’t think I’ve been in love with him for a few years, though. I think I just stayed with him because, well, that’s what I always did. So now we’re all wrapped up in this whole relationship business, and it really is like a business, joint checking, bills, car payments, etc. I feel stuck and trapped and confused. My girlfriends say, “Oh, you just get like this. You’ll get over it and marry him.” I need some unbiased advice. I know this guy wants to marry me, and I have to believe it’s because he knows he can’t do any better, or maybe he just wants it more than I do. I don’t know. That’s a terrible thing to say, but that’s the way it is. (more…)

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help. I have acquired an extraordinarily complicated personal life.

Two months ago, it was like a Frank Lloyd Wright structure, all clean lines and good sense. Then my bf of six months broke up with me for another girl he had known for preCISEly forty-eight hours (no standing in the way of true love, I guess). We were determined to stay friends. It was a difficult break-up for both of us; we cried a lot, I was upset and mad and he was just … in love.

The friend thing quickly fell apart because his new gf goes rabid at the thought of me, and because now that I was no longer the primary female in his life, this previously conscientious, thoughtful and sweet man started being none of the above. I won’t get into specifics, but he started demonstrating aspects to his personality I would have been much happier never to have seen.

This really scared me. Before: Cool guy. After: Hyde. Who knew?

Now it seems that the planets have realigned and every man I ever knew before him has reasserted himself in my life in their single states. The ex love of my life who lives far away is going to be in town for a month. The guy I lived with in university and who lives even farther away is in the country for two months. The guy I had a huge crush on at my first job and who had a girlfriend is now single and making it clear that he’s interested. A guy who I would have dated had I not met Hyde who then started dating one of my friends called me the minute he found out about the breakup and said (I quote) –“It’s not serious between us. She knows that. So do you want to go out for dinner some time?” Then there’s this sweet boy who lives far away who keeps asking me to come and visit …

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently started dating this girl and I like her very much. But everytime I see her she insists on bringing her best friend along. She expects me to bring a friend to keep her friend company. I didn’t mind this the first few times but now it is way outta hand. When she calls me she has her bestfriend on three-way. Plus she tells her best friend everything about our relationship and I feel that some things should be left between us. How do I let her know this without offending her?

— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Yeah, well, as three-ways go, that’s not so much the kind that people fantasize about. Bringing A Friend — on a date, never mind a phone call – almost always means Take a Hint. But I wonder if in this case, we might want to reinvent the third wheel.

She (they) does (do) call you; she does want you to bring a friend for the Friend (thus upgrading her from Chaperone). Except for the telephone part, there’s something about it that’s a little Jane Austen/Edith Wharton — you know, where it’s unseemly for a single woman to be alone with a man to whom she is not betrothed, or with whom she is not having an affair.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

My divorce was final a year ago. I had the opportunity to take my ex to the cleaners, so to speak, in court (nude pics of him and his lover in a hotel room and information regarding his affiliation with a prostitute). However, I chose not to give all my money fighting in the courts and settled out of court. I sometimes regret my decision — only because I want him to know what I know about his affair and his affiliation with a known prostitute. He prides himself on being a “highly moral and ethical person” (he is psychologist). I still have all the documentation I had planned on using in court…and have contemplated on sending it to his new bride (he mail ordered her from Russia via the Internet). Or just giving the info to him…to let him know he may have thought he got on over on me….but there are others that now know of his less reputable side. Should I simply leave well enough alone…my head says I should….my heart says I still want to hurt him as he did me. What do you think?

— Beeja

Dear Beeja,

Don’t leave well enough alone. Leave hellish enough alone.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, Breakup Girl, this is my first letter asking advice EVER to anyone about all of this, so… well, I hope you have time to read a long one. If not, toss me.

I’m a 17 year old guy. I’m too skinny, I’ve got acne, but I’m a great friend with an irresistible sense of humor (or so I’ve been told). Oh, and I’ve had a stellar love life, absolutely wonderful! NOT. My last relationship crashed and burned. On the SIX MONTH ANNIVERSARY, to the day, because things weren’t going anywhere and we were getting frustrated with each other. And the three girlfriends I had before that ended when (in chronological order):

1) She lied to me about loving someone else, thus being unable to continue going out with me. (Fortunately, we had only been going out for, oh, 4 hours, just long enough for her to realize I had never had a girlfriend before and had no idea she was coming on to me. This one later turned psycho-slutty, having sex with anything that breathed, including ME, offering phone and oral sex with me as late as a year after. She also tried to break my best friend and his girlfriend up… sick-o.)

2) She went out with me for six days, kissed me, then refused to talk to me — forever. No reason at all, except one I heard that went through three people that went, “She gets bored with guys quickly.” Ne’er heard word from her since.

3) She left. I fell for a girl on the second to last day of a summer camp. She lives about 120 miles away part-time (and over 400 the other part) because of her split parents. Saddest thing about this one was that it was the best time out of all four girlfriends I’ve had… I haven’t heard from her since, and my letters don’t come back with “Address unknown” or anything on them.

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