My young sister called me in tears this week, completely devastated by some shocking news. "Two of the Backstreet Boys are getting married!" she cried. Naturally, I replied, "To each other?" and sis threatened to jump out of a window. I calmed her down and told her what I knew of the impending pop nuptials. In some sort of weird Floridian family solidarity, cousin BBs Kevin Richardson and Brian Littrell both announced their engagements on the same day, and I suspect theyēll even share ceremonies, receptions and possibly even honeymoons.

Kev, the ancient Backstreet, is engaged to Kristen Willits, whoēs currently a background singer for Cher and met the intense, brooding Boy while he was working at Disney World, dressed as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. (Itēs true what they say about love at first sight ... even when your first sight is through a foam Turtle head.) Meanwhile, Brian is marrying older woman Leighanne Wallace, best known for her work in the Jonathan Taylor Thomas flick "Wild America." Bri, oh my favorite Backstreet, Iēm glad somebody has stolen your heart, especially since itēs been so fragile from your recent heart surgery. I used to think Bri had a baboonēs heart, but I was confusing him with the Christian Slater vehicle "Untamed Heart," on top of the fact that he kind of looks like a cute little monkey!

Fortunately, for everyone over 14 years of age, I predict this spells the beginning of the end of the boy group, as heartbroken youngsters the world over realize that their absurd fantasies will never come true. In fact, I told my sister, "Donēt take this so hard, honey. Itēs not like theyēd marry you anyway, even if you DID know them." To you scorned fans, may I point you in the direction of the latest and most ridiculous teen heartthrob band yet: Steps, a hybrid of the Backstreets and the Spices, except with an odd pseudo-gay, Barbie doll aesthetic. Check them out at www.steps.com and be prepared to shake your head in disbelief.

Designs On Oscar

Early Tuesday morning, surrounded by close friends, freshly cut bouquets and tons of food and drink -- not unlike a funeral reception, actually -- I sat in stunned silence to watch the announcement of the 72nd Annual Academy Award nominees. Thankfully, there were some weird surprises, like the seven nods for "The Cider House Rules," which elicited such responses as "Damn, now I have to go see it!" and "Oscar does love abortion films!" Sean Pennēs inclusion for Best Actor for "Sweet and Lowdown" was a moderate surprise, as was Jim Carreyēs omission for his flat impersonation of Andy Kaufman in "Man in the Moon." I actually predicted in December that Sean would be included and Jim would be left off. (But donēt go tracking down that column, dear readers. In a frozen-daquiri brain freeze, I somehow left Kevin Spacey off my list too!) Of course, the most important question left hanging in the air isnēt "Will ÂAmerican Beauty?sweep?" but rather "Who will dress Hilary Swank?" Sheēs almost a shoo-in for Best Actress, sheēs young and hot, and to contrast her work in "Boys Donēt Cry," sheēll undoubtedly want to dress all girly. Iēll bet Hilēs swimming in hundreds of free designer gowns even as we speak. So many, in fact, Iēll bet we see hubby Chad Lowe wearing one. Runner-up in the get-thee-to-Armani Oscar race: Catherine Keener, from "Being John Malkovich." Sheēs equally sexy and fresh-faced, not to mention that sheēll have a particularly magnetic accessory with her -- husband Dermot Mulroney.

No Hanksy Panky

Speaking of Oscars, the well-honored Tom Hanks, thankfully snubbed for his performance in "The Green Mile," has been revealed to be a true Hollywood rarity: a prude!! Despite a 20-year career in Hollywood which has obviously afforded him his share of women, Hanks claims in a new biography that he has only "bedded seven women" in his entire life, an astonishing sum if you consider Tommy once starred in "Bachelor Party" where he must have gotten some off-screen action. Now, if youēre the cynical type, you could notice he only says seven WOMEN, leaving us all to guess who heēs leaving out. But as heēs happily married now to lovely Rita Wilson, Iēd leave him alone, oh skeptical ones. For now, anyway.

Madonnaēs Mom, But Whoēs The Pop-sicle?

Two weeks ago, I reported on Madonnaēs desire to become pregnant again and listed the odds of various suitors and donors who may have the opportunity to sire this Material Infant. Well, naturally, like the Oscars or the presidential race, buzz changes from week to week, and the landscape of pop star fertilization has changed once again! Apparently, Maddie has approached a well-respected fertility clinic in Rome about the possibility of an anonymous frozen daddy. The Artes Clinic has received inquiries from the likes of Sharon Stone and Kate Moss in the past, and Maddie may like the idea of a pure-blooded Italian running around in diapers. Unfortunately, strict international frozen-sperm rules may work against the "American Pie" chanteuse; apparently, she may have to prove that sheēs tried to have an infant with a man with fertilization "deficiencies." Dēoh!! Of course, if Madonna has taught us anything, itēs that rules are made to broken. Hereēs the latest adjusted odds:

Peter Berg -- 2:1
Anonymous Italian man -- 5:1
Guy Ritchie -- 8:1
Sting -- 18:1 -- Madonna DJ remixer Victor Calderone just put dance beats to Stingēs latest single. Could a more genetic remix be on the horizon?
William Orbit -- 25:1
Carlos Leon -- 30:1 -- Madonna is quoted as saying, "I was in love with the father of my daughter the whole time, but I wasnēt really thinking, you know?"
Rupert Everett -- 35:1 -- In the same interview, Madonna proclaims "Iēd have to be in a much more of a desperate state" to use ole Rupe.
Antonio Bandaras -- 600:1
Sean Penn -- 750:1 -- hey, he got an Oscar nomination; that could be worth something in Maddieēs book
Rosie OēDonnell -- 1,500: 1

Readers, you can rely on me to closely follow this important news event, right up to the conception!

Jesseēs Boy

Is it true love when your boyfriend or girlfriend quit their job to spend more time around you, or is it just plain obsession? Thatēs the dilemma facing "Jesse" star Christina Applegate when her sexy beau Jonathon Schaech announced that heēs all but given up his acting career so that he can spend more time with the perky blonde. John will accept only Los Angeles television work so that he can be on the set of "Jesse" at a momentēs notice. That sounds a little creepy to me, though Chrissy doesnēt seem to mind at all. In fact, sheēs been given a "promise ring," which is like a non-committal engagement ring, also known as jewelry that will "shut the parents up." At this rate, Chrissy wonēt be "married with children" for at least a decade!

Ryde On!

Iēve recently been quite harsh to Winona Ryder due to her girlishly drunk behavior at certain award shows, but sometimes the dame really knows how to bark back. At an all-star Los Angeles premiere of "The Vagina Monologues" -- Eve Enslerēs dynamic show which has been retooled to feature a host of celebrities, including Gillian Anderson, Lara Flynn Boyle and Marisa Tomei -- Winnie really snapped back at a pushy fan who demanded that she give him an autograph. When she said that she only gives her autograph to children, the autograph monger thanked her by calling her a bitch, to which she replied, "Why do you want my autograph if Iēm a bitch?" (Personally, that is precisely WHY Iēd want her autograph.) She then proceeded to scream at the now astonished namecaller, until she was packed away in a car and driven off. Sounds a tad psychotic, but Iēll willing to judge in favor of Ms. Ryder for this one. Those autograph hounds can be SOOOOO bothersome.

She wasnēt the only one making a scene at the afterparty either. Harvey Keitel was trolling around the bar and openly hit upon an unusual orange-haired woman in a white jumpsuit. Donēt know who that "beauty" was though she was obviously Harveyēs type; he successfully held off the paparazzi until he obtained the womanēs phone number!

"Traffic" Jam

I havenēt mentioned Catherine Zeta-Douglas-Jones in two whole weeks, and I know youēve all been in withdrawal. So hereēs latest: as her future husband Michael Douglas preps for the debut of "Wonder Boys" this week, Cathyēs had to juggle a couple movie projects herself, due to her impending pregnancy. She had to duck out of the new Oliver Stone flick "Beyond Borders" because the role of a wartime social worker, opposite Kevin Costner, would have been a bit of a stretch. However, Steven Soderbergh has actually tailored a role in his new film "Traffic" just for her! Sheēll star opposite Harrison Ford (this is actually considered to be Fordēs first "art" film) and fly to San Diego with Mikey next week to begin preliminary shooting. The most stunning change for Cathy wonēt be the bun in the oven but the new, shorter Âdo sheēll be sporting for the film. Sheēs lost six inches of her fabulous dark locks and still looks gorgeous, naturally. Hopefully, this will prove to be a better career move than Kari Russellēs unfortunate "Felicity" chop.

"Reindeer Games," Indeed

Wow, those sex scenes in the upcoming Ben Affleck-Charlize Theron film "Reindeer Games" look awfully authentic, donēt they? Thatēs because the actors really filmed in the buff, rolling around playfully in front of a voyeuristic film crew. Affleck proclaims in a recent Allure Magazine article that Theron was "quite brave and professional" about the unusual scene, though Ben admits to blushing several times during filming. And what did the romp teach him about the "Cider House Rules" starlet?

Celebrity Quote of the Week

"I do not get the sense that there is very much Charlize is afraid to do."
-- Ben Affleck

Hmmm, in that case, maybe we can get Charlize to father Madonnaēs baby?

Until Howie from the Backstreet Boys accepts my marriage proposal,
Gregoire

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