Hmm. Wow. This is weird. I never thought I’d actually be writing to you–I mean, like, ever, in a million years. It’s nothing personal–I think it’s just one of those male ego/”of course I know where I’m going, that farmhouse over there looks just like all the others we keep passing at regular 10 minute intervals because we’re in Nebraska–or is it Kansas?–for God’s sake”/”I don’t need your help, I can quit anytime” kinda things. Plus, it’s been quite a long time since I’ve needed any chick-type advice because . . . well, it’s been too long since I’ve, um, been in any kind of position to need any chick-type advice (which, of course, I will elaborate upon further when I’m done with my really long greeting-paragraph-type-thing). So, anyway, commencing with long-formulaic-breakup-girl- “help-me-help-me-I’m-in-such- utter-despair-and-inner-turmoil” letter version 1.0 . . . or .01 . . . or something like that. . . .
You rock. Your column rocks. Your Mom rocks, your dog rocks, your car rocks, etc. etc. (I mean it all sincerely, but I know you get that stuff all the time, and hearing it from me probably won’t send you up to cloud nine or anything–if, on the other hand, it *does*, then, well, I went ahead and said it).
Allow me to quickly tell you about myself (trust me, it’s all relevant–really, it is). I’m a 19 and a half (yes, I count “and-a-half”s) (okay, I’m going to stop it with these parentheses thingies or I’ll never get this letter written) year-old college student. And I’m a transfer student–I’m from down South, went way up North for a year, enjoyed myself, money and stuff like that didn’t quite work out, came back down South to an in-state school and am doing fine. I’m also–okay, prepare yourself–shy. But unlike a lot of shy people, including those among my friends and most of those who have written letters to you, I’m not really embarrassed about my shyness. In fact, I’ve kind of learned to accept it and to be comfortable with it. Maybe this is a little difficult to explain, or maybe I’m just deluding myself or something, but I figure that the world needs shy people just as much as, if not more than, it needs those who are outgoing; were it not for reclusive, creative people, we’d still be living in caves, wearing fig leaves, and competing with the sabertooth tiger next door for our dinner–nothing would ever get done and we’d all be fighting each other and confused all the time. And to me, shyness isn’t a form of “social phobia”; it’s just another way to be, not something that I need to change, something I need to overcome, or something of which I need to be cured. Besides, as Ralph Ellison so succinctly put it, “I yam what I yam.”
But, that said–how, then, does an introvert get along in such an indelibly extroverted society, especially in matters of the heart, without waning completely Invisible?
OK, let me put this in chronological order. I’ve had a few pretty rotten relationships in my past that lasted about 4-5 years. They were basically filling in for my absent father and were pretty lousy all the way around. Then I grew up and got more particular and thought I was bonding to a better type of man. I met my S2BX when I first started grad school six years ago. I should have gone with my first impression, which was that he was an emotional leech that would just put me through an emotional ringer. But after I met him and looked into his eyes I was hooked. I did the whole “get hot and flushed” thing whenever he walked into the room. Anyway, I can accept now that we were really more or less using each other and that it would never last, and that was OK, but at the time I was sure he was my soul mate.
However, the way he chose to end it was very painful. I think it was pretty unnecessary for him to use expressions like “If I’d known who you really were I never would have married you,” and “Maybe it’s just your fate to be second best.” You see, when he went back home for a visit which I hoped would save our marriage he ended up having some bodacious fling with an old flame. Which he finally told me about 3 months later, just when I thought things were finally going to go well, and he admitted to it right in the middle of sex. Go figure. Now I realize that he said those hurtful things primarily for his own sense of closure, so that it would have to end, but he really devastated me and my self image that way.
Anyway, the real problem is this. After a few months of suicidal thoughts every single day I decided to give myself something to look forward to, to try out life again before I totally gave up. I went and visited friends again, I started writing stories again, and I decided to try dating. My S2BX and I had been completely separated for six months, and basically separating for at least 9 months. Soooo, just for fun I started looking at internet personal adds. I live in a small town and finding acceptable dates has been…um…interesting. For a few weeks it was fun, just looking around and seeing what guys said about themselves. Then I found one that didn’t make me laugh. So I wrote to him.
This past weekend I went on a bike trip and met two other people, who, like me, were on the rebound. We ended up in a big discussion of the Ex-Files. I told them about my ex, and how we fixed up a couple who are getting married next year. I realize it’s a little early to flip out about this wedding, but I am already way nervous about it. Both people in the couple are really good friends of ours, and they have resolved or at least found a way to live with the issue we couldn’t deal with (religious differences). So it’s going to be scary.
My new-found friends semi-jokingly suggested that if I don’t have a date I really like by the time the wedding rolls around, I should appear on the arm of a tall, cute actor who can play the role of the kind of guy he would feel really overwhelmed next to (in this case, an academic with tenure and three published books would be great).
Question: is this good advice? I have already been joking that I may need a date, a hip flask, and possibly a straitjacket to survive this one (especially as I will probably be asked to do something during the ceremony, like read or sing). I am not in a big hurry to get involved with someone, so it is quite likely I will not be bringing my own date (someone of reasonable duration) to said wedding.
Would a fake date help?
— Reenie
Dear Reenie,
Nope. Bringing a fake date is way lamer than being The Diva Who Dared Come Alone. It is a “Coach” plot waiting to happen, without the nice clean wrap-up in 30 minutes.
Anyway, all of your “faking” energy will be channeled into holding your head high. But you — you, singular — can do it.
First things first, I think your page is awesome. But the real reason I’m writing to you is because I have a guilty conscience and I’m wondering if what I’m doing is actually wrong. Well see, there’s this guy that I like a lot but I can’t see us ever going out. he’s super nice, and he’s even pretty sexy. My best friend loves him and tells me all about how she fantasizes about him kissing her and being with him — me, I don’t have to wish, because we’re fooling around behind her back. The only thing that I feel bad about is that one time we (ME and HIM) were talking and he said that he wanted to tell everyone about us and I can’t do that because my best friend thinks he’s like a GOD or something, so I know it would hurt her. I meant to tell her the first time we kissed but when I called her she told me that he had talked to her that day and she got her hopes up about them hooking up. So now I don’t know how I should tell her about us. I know she’ll get REALLY mad if I tell her that we have been for a pretty long time, but I don’t think she’d care if I told her he’d just kissed me — she’d probably be psyched for me. So, is it okay to lie to her this once, or should I stay straight?
I have been celibate for six years. Why? The one-night stands got old a long time ago (I’ve been sexually active since age 16), and the chance of AIDS is simply too great to risk my life on a piece of plastic. My buddies ask me, “Why don’t you just get a girlfriend? At least you’d get laid.” However, I can’t justify dating someone solely for the purpose of having sex — it would be an empty relationship at best, and ultimately doomed to failure.
Also, most all of the women I meet nowadays, in my age group (late twenties), quite often have morals lower than the average college jock. I simply can’t imagine that type of woman one day becoming the “mother of my children.” My friends tell me my standards are too high, and that I’ll never find anyone who will “fit the bill.”
Should I lower my standards? Am I being unrealistic? Is wanting a reasonably attractive and intelligent woman, with morals, a sense of humor, and not of baggage too much to ask these days? Right now, my focus is on developing my future so that if/when I meet “Miss Right,” I’ll be financially prepared to provide a comfortable life for ourselves and our children. In the meantime, it’s difficult not having anyone with whom to share things. It can become quite lonely at times. I’ll admit, my standards are high. I may expect a lot, but it’s only because I have just as much to offer. What’s your opinion?
FOBG Rebecca Traister’s ode to Scully is more than worth a day pass to Salon.com’s premium offerings. After all, you’ll need something to last you till tomorrow.
Highlights:
Dana Scully was not standard television beautiful, but a diminutive pre-Raphaelite, pale of skin and red of hair, who could give equal amounts of soul to lines like “Nothing happens in contradiction to nature, just in contradiction to what we know of it” and “Well, seeing as how it’s Friday, I was thinking I could get some work done on that monograph I’m writing for the penology review: ‘Diminished Acetylcholine Production in Recidivist Offenders.'” A woman who, when asked by her pestering partner to examine a cadaver’s head just one more time for a set of horns, can snap on her gloves and mutter “Whatever” like she really means it.
And, about TV romance — or at least spooky chemistry:
The pairing, based mostly on the dynamic between actors Anderson and Duchovny, crackled, and the show had at its core a professional relationship that was not just sexually, but romantically, electric. Of course, back then, when we all walked a mile to school and programs started the season in September and finished them in May, slow-burn television relationships burned really slowly, especially in comparison with today’s short-attention-span theater, when an unrequited prime-time couple can maybe make it to sweeps before kicking off their panties. Not only did the sparks between Mulder and Scully fly fast and far, but the drawing out of their relationship allowed their audience to fall for them too, despite the irritating imperfections of both character and plot.
The truth is … coming soon to a theater near you! From the L.A. Times:
“They flew from Germany and England and Chicago to attend. They lined up at 5 a.m. outside the Moscone Center West in San Francisco fueled by contagious group excitement and caffeine. They sat through the boring ‘Shutter’ panel to make sure they got good seats. One attendee estimates that there were 5,000 people packed into the 4,000 capacity convention hall and that’s not including the spillover that ran down the various hallways.
But God, it was worth it!
Gillian Anderson, David Duchovny and ‘X-Files’ creator Chris Carter were at Wondercon last week…to promote the still-untitled new ‘X-Files’ film scheduled to come out July 25 and it was the first time the trio had appeared together at a convention since ‘X-Files’ first came on the air in 1993. The fans screamed throughout the whole 45 minutes.”
Dear Breakup Girl,
What is the correct thing to do when one has been dating a guy for 9 months, and during the last phone call with the guy, he says, “I will call you tomorrow” — and tomorrow never comes. No fight, no disagreement, no nothing — he is just gone. What would you do?
— Ditched and Dumped
Dear Ditched and Dumped.
I would click here. He has clearly been abducted by aliens. If and when he returns, don’t take him back; he will have a chip implanted in the back of his neck that will mess with his memory of what happened and cause all sorts of trouble. Sorry.
Love,
Breakup Girl
Breakup Girl
is the superhero whose domain is LOVE or the lack thereof!
Her blog combines new comics, observations and dating news with
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Changing his tune on November 23, 1998…
