Going balmy on February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated this guy over the summer and fell in love with him. He was real nice, sweet, and caring and I didn’t think I would lose him, but I did. Ever since then I’ve felt empty and just use guys as some kind of toy to play with. I know I’ve hurt a couple of people and I feel bad about it, but I can’t help it. I still love that guy but I don’t know if he still likes me, should I keep chasing him or should I stop. And how do I quit treating guys like a toy to play with?

— Samantha

Dear Samantha,

If there were such a thing as Breakup Girl Laboratories, they would be hard at work on the Boyfriend Patch. Available in fashion colors and Hello, Kitty designs, the Patch would, in the absence of an actual or particular pined-after boyfriend, provide the fix-of-the-quickie that we so often crave.

In the meantime, though, I will tell you that toy-boys are much like Carmex lip balm and the alleged conspiracy behind it. The idea being that your lips are chapped, you apply Carmex, they feel better momentarily… but… “Mulder, are you suggesting that Carmex itself actually makes your lips feel chapped again.?

You see where Breakup Girl is going with this. You feel empty, you mess around, you feel better momentarily … but … the fling itself actually makes you feel emptier. It serves not as a statsfying replacement for your summer Mulder, but as an acute reminder that you don’t have him.

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When is a rebound not a rebound? When there’s a rematch with Miss Fling…

/

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What is it about summer romance? Why — here above the equator, anyway — is there no such thing as a Winter Fling? What were they thinking, re-releasing “Grease” in the spring? Theories abound as to why summer makes us all hot and bothered. For one thing, unless you are Smilla, seasonal shoulder-baring tanks and open-toed sandals are generally considered more flirtatious than the average anorak. Also, unless you are a lifeguard, the summer seems to bring on that crazysexycool feeling of reduced responsibility and urgency: 8 PM looks and feels like 3; vegans say, “Aw, what’s one cheeseburger!” — and since your must-see TV is in reruns, heck, even your VCR is on vacation.

Some experts even say — I am not making this up — that the male body actually produces more testosterone during summer months. Something about the position of the Earth in its orbit around the sun. Whatever. I say it’s because — well, as my friend Matt once pointed out, “there’s hardly a man in America whose hormones don’t start pumping at the thought of searing a huge chunk of cow over the open coals.” (He added: “But when a New Yorkerbarbeques, he gets the added rush of knowing that he’s an outlaw, the Jesse James — Jesse James-Beard? — of the brownstones, because open-flame cooking is apparently illegal in most NY public and private spaces. Which means that barbecuing legally in the city confers yet a different kind of manliness, because it means that the barbecuer has some abnormally large yard or deck. Especially in Manhattan, such real estate identifies the chef as filthy stinking rich. And in this town, there’s nothing more macho than money.”)

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Classic advice from April 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I did one of the worst things I could possibly ever, ever do (at least I realise that now) on the (uh-oh) rebound from a previous relationship feeling lost, wounded, alone, unloved (sob, sob) etc. I got involved with a very nice guy, lets call him Brandon. I have the sneaking suspicion I was fooling myself when I thought I loved him. Honestly, there wasn’t much about B you couldn’t love; smart, kind, honest, bla bla…sure, the type I never seem to find myself involved with, and, victim as always, I always go for someone who turns out to be some psychotic egocentric maniac. So, here is B telling me he loves me with all his soul and I find out, feeling like an absolute rat, that the love isn’t there, it just isn’t. Here is someone willing to COMMIT!! and here am I, the one who has always wanted committment, finding that I cannot love him like he wants me to, try as I might, and I cannot let it go on, the poor soul worshipping the ground I walk on. Now, Breakup Girl, please don’t think me coldhearted, I’m always the one who is dumped, it was very difficult to bring the pain upon another…but I did. And he refused to be “friends” but I really wanted to be friends, he was one of the sweetest people I’d known…he didn’t reply to me for weeks on end, and still I tried and tried to get through to him. I could understand his never wanting to see me again, but the sore point is this: he has some very expensive and very sentimental jewelry of mine. A silver pendant I have had since birth that I gave to him during our passionate little affair. So I sent him everything of his back, pleading with him, practically on my knees wanting it back…but no reply. I haven’t heard from him in months and months, I miss him dearly, and of course, I miss my beautiful pendant and that makes me harbour bitter thoughts. Breakup Girl, what can I do to get it back?

— Porcelina

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Really? They need to try this hard to market chocolate to women?

(Somewhere, Miss Fling is snickering.)

The Tacky Factor Day! Tackiness highlighted in blue…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a young professional woman establishing my career and I’ve been through enough relationships (good and bad) in the past. Now, I feel uninterested in the dating scene or having a boyfriend at all. I would so much prefer to simply have “lovers” available at a congenial convenience. Many of my friends think I’m being immoral or am in a weird state of relationship denial when I simply have no desire for a heavy emotional commitment. What are your thoughts on this situation? Am I wanting to have my cake and eat it too?

— Single and Happy

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From our pals at the Daily Bedpost, advice on minding your booty call manners that you’ll never hear from Miss Fling.

Most people don’t talk about booty calls. That’s part of their appeal: “We don’t have to endlessly com-mu-ni-cate because we’re not in a serious relationship.” People rely on a tacit understanding when it comes to casual sex with their friends and neighbors, and especially their exes. But it’s silly to assume that everyone “understands” the exact same set of personal guidelines. The implicit, unlegislated booty call is a complicated procedure, due to varying agendas, the likelihood of miscommunication, and the chance of emotional intimacy. The smart people know that without rules, there are expectations, and those, by definition, make things messy. Even if you don’t think you have any expectations, that in itself is an expectation: That you not expect anything of me, that you not sleep over, that you not get mad if I don’t call you back. So let’s once and for all manage those expectations with The 25 Rules of the Modern Booty Caller.

Click here for the rest, including this uber-rule: “No matter how casual the set-up, remember that your booty buddy is a human being.”

Obsessing on November 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a very lucky 35 year old guy. Married six months to a wonderful woman (she’s 33). M and I are compatible in all ways, and enjoy each other’s company immensely. We’re from the same small town, went through school together, pleasant friendship, both left town to go to different universities, different lives, different cities, no contact.

M called me out of the blue four years ago. She’s in promotions, I’m in TV, she had a pitch. Pitch failed, met for dinner. I was happily married (I thought) with two kids. Pleasant dinner, promised to keep in touch. Neither did. Two years ago, another call, another pitch. Pitch failed, met for dinner. I was six months single, with two kids living with me Monday to Friday, and weekends with their Mom. M and I agreed to keep in touch. This time, both did. Rapidly progressed to constant companions. Joined at the mind, hip, and soul. Dated eight months, she moved in, assumed and accepted stepmother role, got married six months after that. Very happy.

So what’s the problem? Her past lovers. When we went through that (normal?) stage of discussing/revealing our sexual pasts, she lied about a couple of partners. We discussed it again. And she lied again. We talked about it again, and she lied again. And then again. It complicates matters further that four of her old flames (two serious, two flings) are still in her circle of friends. (A terrific row, by the way, over inviting Mr. Significantly Serious to our wedding. I gave in.) Anyway, this whole issue bothers me to the point of obsessing. (I should say that we have each had 20 + partners, which strikes me as a lot. Is it?)

We have talked and talked and talked about this issue, sometimes heatedly, but always with the intention of understanding each other, and trying to deal with it. Yes, I know that the past cannot be changed. And that I have no right whatsoever to question or criticize decisions she made years and years ago, and I also understand that I have made her feel persecuted at times, and resentful of an attitude that has been, yes, at times, judgmental. It would be easy to explain my feelings as 1) inadequacies (Were they bigger than me? More stamina? More satisfying?) or 2) chauvinistic (good girls don’t -­ except with me). I suppose there is some truth to both.

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Making a move on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I like this boy I barely know, but I know him well enough to know his name. We are both in the same grade, 8th. I’m not the type of person to ask someone out, I’m afraid I’ll be rejected. Plus he’s going out with someone and I doubt he knows who I am.

All the other people say that I should flirt with him, say hi and stuff, but it’s hard on me cause im kinda shy. What am I supposed to do, walk up to him and just say, “Hi!” That’s kinda awkward for me.

His girl’s locker is in the same aisle as mine and he’s there. I never said a word to him, same for him to me. But if he breaks up, I KNOW for a fact that he won’t go with me. He likes those preppy girls that wear their hair in a bob, a messy ponytail, flares, (I wear flares) with those plaid or checkered button up shirts that they wear over white tees.

NO guy has ever asked me out in 2 years! I have a feeling that I may be ugly. When I look in the mirror, I look fine, but when I look in the 3-way mirror I look demented! My nose is crooked and everything.

What can I do to make it *normal*? How can I make myself look and feel better??

–Unloved

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No escape on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ready for some….humor? I divorced after five years last December. I went on my first date in 7 years 2 weeks ago – what a total, unmitigated disaster! Now I remember WHY it’s been 7 years, and will be 7 more. (I’d started thinking about this in the context of summer flings more than anything else.)

I got a call from a man I’ve known almost 10 years. We started out dating for a few months all those years ago, and he plain ole out-and-out dumped me. We played on the same softball team, and everyone knew before me. How fun was that? I got over it fairly quickly (hey, what choice do you have when you’re the pitcher & he’s the catcher…), about the same time he decided the cute but empty-headed bimbo (she was, truly) he’d fallen for was just that and wanted to come back. I said no, and we’ve been great friends ever since. We used to talk several time a month, then less and less, but it’s always been amazing that we can pick up exactly where we left off, no matter how long ago. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

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