Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve never seen such good relationship advice on a website. You rule, therefore maybe you can help me. Six months ago I met AMY, a girl who I had intense *POW* chemistry with. I mean it, when we first made eye contact it was like my tongue hit an electric socket. She felt it too, I found out later. Not because either of us is extremely attractive, you understand, it was just “there” you know?

Anyhoo, I am 26, a few girlfriends and one live-in experience that lasted a year. Amy, however, was (and likely still is) a virgin at age 27. She told me right up front that she was conservative, didn’t like public displays of affection, didn’t often date, and had never been in a relationship longer than 3 weeks. I thought this was odd, but accepted it. She also told me after knowing me two weeks that she was NOT EVER going to sleep with me. This stunned me, because I usually don’t go into relationships deciding whether or not I’m going to DO something — I usually just let it happen. This hurt my feelings when she said it, but after we talked about it we decided to keep dating. This was probably my first mistake, but keep reading.

To contradict all Amy told me about herself, our dating pattern didn’t seem to fit. We would commonly meet for lunch, which would turn into a long talk, then a matinee, followed by dinner, followed by searing makeout sessions that would leave my lips bruised the next day. These dates happened once or twice a week, and ended at 2 AM when she (or I) would pry ourselves away (no sleepovers, no intercourse allowed) and drive home. The dates always lasted many hours, and even after spending almost 10 or 12 hours together, she would say “I wish I could spend more time with you etc.” By our third or 4th date she had gone from not wanting to hug me in public to kissing me (with tongue) while we were at a table in a restaurant (in a secluded booth, and I didn’t object).

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been following Scone Boy’s predicament with interest, because his situation resembles mine. Except I’m pretty sure that I have in fact seen the letters “HELP ME” traced in the condensation on the window of the speeding car.

Background. Dated him for a year. Was absolutely nuts about him. He gave me some nice gifts, two of which were very personal and which he made for me. (These figure later in the story.) About a year and a half ago, he bolted. We’re talking disappeared for a month. I finally left him a message: “Haven’t heard from you, how have you been?” “I’ve been OK, just haven’t had much to say.” Smitten though I was, I knew this was a Very Bad Thing, and, despite his protests, I broke it off and returned all the gifts. A year and a half later, my life is mostly OK–friends, other men, recreation, work.

He never seemed to accept the break. Kept in touch, occasionally because of a “Haven’t seen you in awhile, how have you been?” from me, but mostly on his own initiative. More than once he has expressed hurt and resentment at my having returned the gifts. At one point he gave some of them back to me–not the most personal ones–but his subsequent behavior was so annoying that I gave them back again, much more rudely than the first time. I told him to just leave me alone. He went to my friends in an attempt to “explain” himself. More dialogue ensued. Right now he is in touch more than ever, and we’re closer than ever, partly because of his new willingness to really open up to me.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7.5 years now, and he recently proposed to me. We love each other very much, and want to be together forever. However, we are having a great deal of trouble planning our wedding. We both want to get married sooner rather than later, and we both would like to have certain people and pastor present.

That’s where it gets tricky. The pastor who we want to marry us is moving away [in a month and a half]. Unfortunately, he will be unable to return before next August, or September. Gordon and I would both like to be married well before then. We were hoping to get married in February. So, because none of our plans were working for February, we briefly discussed changing the date to December (this December). Everything has fallen into place beautifully, except for one detail. I had mentioned to Gordon’s sister that the wedding was “so far” being planned for February. So she bought plane tickets for the February date. Now that we have moved the date, she is very unhappy with us. They live about a seven-hour drive away, so it’s not too bad (for Canada). Her husband is a retail manager, and work is very busy before Christmas. It is very unlikely that he will be able to get time off in early December. However, she (Gordon’s sister) is able to come, and yet seems unwilling to take the time off work.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

One of my project partners, who is also a reasonably close friend, confided to me recently that she likes my roommate. They have been best friends for a couple of years, and my roommate asked her out about a year ago. She told him at the time that she did not want a relationship because she was not yet over another serious relationship she had ended recently-ish.

Last night I found out that my roommate still has feelings for my friend, but he’s bitter that she “rejected” him a year ago. They are still close friends, but he cannot accept the idea that her feelings may have changed.

I didn’t say anything, as I am sworn to both of their confidences. However, I think that they would make a great couple and would be very happy together, seeing as how they’re already close. I’ve tried to drop subtle hints to get them to talk about it or at least tell each other how they feel. I’m either not being direct enough, or they are only hearing what they want to.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

Best wishes from a core, real, die-hard Green Bay Packer Fan-esque fan.

I have had a few long term relationships (a few years each) but none for a while. I have never had a problem meeting women or even going on a date or two, but recently I haven’t been able to keep a long termer. I am in many ways too much of a friend for some women, but I am working on that. No one seems to set me up with anyone even though everyone claims they know someone I should go out with.

OK. Let’s get down to brass tacks. A platonic friend of mine (yet another who says I am too much of a friend, but I would make a good husband) took me out with a bunch of her friends just to hang out. I met a woman who was not only beautiful and friendly, but connected with me in a great, all beit non romantic way. Let’s call her Beth, because that’s her name. There was one small problem. She has a boyfriend whom she loves. So, she was clearly hands off, and I treated it as such. I told our mutual friend, Rhonda, that I have a huge crush on Beth. She thought it was cute and told Beth. I don’t mind. She’s flattered. I get a nice feeling that I made her feel beautiful and special, knowing DAMN WELL that nothing will come of this.

Well, Beth and her man are going through tough times. Real tough times. And Rhonda, our mutual friend, has always used my flattery as a way to cheer her up. “George thinks you are beautiful. He thinks this and that etc etc etc.” Rhonda, who dislikes Beth’s boyfriend, has been subtly pushing my case. In other words she wants Beth to leave her boyfriend and hook up with me. I of course said “I don’t want to be in the middle of anything.” But secretly I wanted her to. Now I know she has been suggesting that Beth take me a little more seriously while her relationship with her man gets tense. And I am guiltily encouraging it.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

This is kind of a biggie. I’m 23 years old. I still live at home with my ‘rents for financial reasons while I’m in graduate school, completing a degree in elementary education.

To get down to it, I haven’t had a date since I was 17. It’s not for want of trying. The times when I thought there was some mutual attraction, I would ask to see the person more socially, not necessarily on a date, but out. The few times that anyone has said yes over the past 6 years, it’s always turned out they were just being friendly, but were already involved with someone else. Plus, I suppose I’m not that good at reading “signals.” That takes experience, something I am greatly lacking.

Most of my friends are women, but I’ve never been able to move a friendship to a romance, nor have I really tried. I would consider it almost a betrayal of that friendship. I’m not into the bar scene, or clubs (I can’t dance). I’m not into religion, so meeting someone at church is out. I’ve tried personals, both online and off, with 0 success. For all that my best friends are women, none of them has ever set me up with someone.

Now it seems that all my friends are engaged, or involved in serious relationships (and as a consequence have little if any time to spend with me). My little sister, and my best friend’s little sister (same age, 3 years younger) are engaged. And every attractive, intelligent woman I meet seems to be married/engaged/or otherwise seriously involved. (I’m only meeting people at school and work. I hate going out by myself, and never meet anyone when I do.)

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a college freshman currently dating a wonderful guy that I met the first week of school. As of right now, everything’s great. The only problem is this: he’s head-over-heels in love with me (a terrible problem, I know), and I’m not very commited at all. I like him and I don’t necessarily want to see other people, but I don’t want to lock myself into a long-term relationship so soon. Ideally, I would keep seeing him for a while longer, and if I didn’t start feeling something more– something that would make it worth a serious commitment– then we would break up.

Here’s the rub: we got cast opposite each other in a production of “Romeo and Juliet.” The on-stage chemistry between us is amazing. If I were to break up with him, the show would suffer tremendously. Do I have any choice but to wait until after the play is over? I hate being in a relationship that is continuing by default when it would really be better that it ended. But I can’t end this without hurting both my boyfriend and the play. ????

— Squirmy Juliet

BG’s answer after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was told again today, in as blunt a manner as possible, that “no way will a relationship work between us.” According to her though, I should not change. All those times I made breakfast in bed for her, brought her flowers just because, opened the car door for her (which she totally loves), and respecting her wishes about not sleeping together before she was ready. All those things shouldn’t change. The reason being that the next woman would love to be treated that way. Am I missing something here? I did all those things, but I still get “no way will a relationship work between us.”

I know that I’ll have to get over it and move on. But my dilemma is this: If I do all those wonderful things, then why doesn’t it work? I’d like to think that it’s not me, but this isn’t the first time this has happened. I’m one of those so-called “nice guys” who never can seem to catch a break. I try to do the right things, but again I get “no way will a relationship work between us.” I’m just about ready to give up. I’m sure you hear it all the time, about how women like nice guys, really they do…. Well, I’ve never seen those women. And I’m starting to doubt their existence. I’ve also tried being a friend.. I just would like your thoughts on all of this.

— Alex
Dear Alex,

Ouch! Sorry.

You and all those things you do are, I’m sure, genuinely nice. But it’s wrong to base a relationship entirely on doing the right things. See, Alex, it sounds to me like you’re Doing Boyfriend on people. Muffins, flowers, courtesies — lovely. But when you brought her her breakfast, did you ask her what she dreamed about? Was it the prefab “Flowers for My Sweetheart” bouquet, or a fistful of sweet pea blossoms that reminded you of her laugh? When you close the car door, can you hear her voice through the glass? Your flourishes are important, Alex, but as demonstrations of a two-way bond; as the bond itself, scrambled eggs and baby’s breath will not hold. Do you see what I mean? So don’t stop with the gestures; just rejigger their job description for the next object of your affection. Pay attention to the man behind the curtain. Next time, offer her: yourself.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published November 16, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I know you’re going to think this is totally crazy. But it’s true! I live in Chicago with my boyfriend. He is a filmmaker and I am a waitress. I’ve been in school for a few years, but I’m not sure what I want to do. He, on the other hand is quite confident and recently had an opportunity to go to Austin, TX and work on an independent film. He was to be gone for six weeks. I thought that was ok and that our relationship could handle it. Anyway, here’s where it gets crazy. The star of the movie was Parker Posey. We both really admire her work, although now, he admires it much more…if you get my drift. Anyway, he justified it as she is someone we both admire and if I had the day to hang out and do “girl stuff” with her I would (which is true). So he just hung out and did “guy stuff.” I really don’t feel like it’s an equal comparison, but he’s so persuasive. He said it doesn’t mean anything, but if I look at it his way, if I went shopping with her all afternoon, even that would mean something to me. Should I break up with him?

— Dina

Dear Dina,

Finally, a celebrity romance story that is my business!

But you know what, I actually don’t get your drift. What do you mean, “guy stuff?” What actually happened? Did they bond over WD-40 and play rotisserie baseball, or did they … hook up? Either way, I hesitate to say this, but I think you need to take your concern down a notch.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

My live-in boyfriend of nearly two years dumped two days ago. To add to the joy and pleasure, I am studying for a semester a 20-hour drive away from my home and from anyone I can set up a coffee date with to b*tch and moan. Yesterday, I told my mom that we were “reassessing our relationship.” You know what her response was? “Whose idea was it?” I told her, “I don’t think I need to share that information.”

Let me also point out that the woman has a history of giving me love advice with the basic theme of “If only you (were more assertive, plucked your eyebrows, took a step aerobics class), you wouldn’t be having these problems, you would be having the time of your life on your honeymoon and then you’d provide me with some grandchildren already!” I once went out with a guy who drank *while he was driving*, and you know what her response was? Not, “I’m so glad that you were so smart and take such good care of yourself that you realize you don’t need an addict in your life,” but “Why aren’t you still going out with Al?”

I can see what’s going to happen — I’m going to cut off communications on the subject, and she’s going to get all hurt and ask me why I don’t confide in her anymore. (Or — and this shows you what a marvelously healthy family *I* come from — she’ll ask my sister why I’m not willing to confide in her.) What to do?

— SC

P.S. I’m 33 and this is the first long-term relationship I’ve had, which means there was mucho pressure from her to formalize and get started on the next generation. Her sister, with whom she is intensely competitive, has 4 lovely granddaughters already. And a son-in-law who’s an investment banker.

BG’s response after the jump!